Conventional Instruments
Michael: Why are you playing a child’s guitar?
Bobby: This is not a child’s guitar, man — it’s a uke.
Michael: A what?
Bobby: A ukulele.
Michael: Isn’t that what the scary fucking dude played in Deliverance?
Bobby: No, dude, that was a banjo. I have one of those, too, though.
Michael: What happened to your Fender?
Bobby: I still got it. I just, I dunno, I was getting sick and tired of being one of the 500 million dudes in the ‘burg who plays the fucking guitar. I mean, have you ever noticed that? Like, every guy in this whole God-forsaken neighborhood plays the six-string. I was talking to this girl at Larry Lawrence last night, and she was telling me how girls, like, judge dudes based on what instrument they play.
Michael: Seriously? Like, how?
Bobby: Well, apparently drummers are like fucking spazzes — ADD as hell — keyboard players are just freaking Kryptonite, bassists are mysterious and shit, and lead singers slash guitarists are preening, narcissistic assholes. So… you know… I don’t wanna be a spaz or an untouchable or be perceived as some kind of asshole. It would be cool to be mysterious, but — let’s face it — no one gives a shit about the bassist.
Michael: So what does playing the uke say about you?
Bobby: I’m quirky… and unique…
Michael: OK…
Bobby: Like, no one plays the freaking uke. I’m like this beacon of novelty in a wretched sea of cliched musical mundanity.
Michael: Wait… doesn’t that chick Micachu play the ukulele sometimes? I saw her with one of them tiny guitars when she played Bruar Falls’ one-year anniversary shin-dig.
Bobby: Yeah, I guess…
Michael: And I’m pretty sure one of those guys in Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros rocks one, too.
Bobby: Well, sure.
Michael: And those dudes had one of their jams in a fucking Kin commercial.
Bobby: Yeah, I guess, whatever.
Michael: So, like, isn’t it kind of a thing now — to play the “uke”?
Bobby: Shut the fuck up, Michael. You still listen to fucking Death Cab for Cutie. What do you know?
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